Being With My Deepest Feelings
Facing the loss of what I held most dear in life required a deepening and expansion of these teachings being ever so more alive in me. Evolution is rather insistent.
There is a broad spectrum of feelings to experience in this human incarnation, and there is a also a continuum of the degree to which we allow ourselves to feel and express those feelings. The more we allow ourselves to feel across the entire spectrum of feelings, the greater our potential for living a full and rich life.
Sure, most people prefer to experience what we consider "positive" feelings, e.g., happiness, and most prefer not to experience feelings that are considered to be "negative" or painful. But both inform the other, both are a part of wholeness and the totality of our being, such is the inherent polarity in all of existence.
We naturally feel deeply. We may attempt to shield ourselves from feeling at times, (consciously or unconsciously), but the experience of feeling is still taking place at some level. Avoidance, distraction and denial are attempts to block one's awareness of those very present feelings.
Feelings are a form of energy and ultimately, cannot be denied without great cost. Any attempt to block feeling is a block of one's natural flow which necessarily leads to imbalances that will show up in one's life in one way or another at the physical and/or mental/emotional levels.
I remember all too many times in younger days, being in movie theaters, experiencing rich, strong feelings. The body naturally wanted to cry out to organically release the buildup of feeling energy. But in those days I was so fearful of revealing my raw vulnerability that even when everyone else in the theater was sobbing loudly, I would choose to let my head nearly explode from the pressure of pent up energy rather than let anyone see me cry. Such is the pain of resistance. Oh dear boy, how I wish I had been there for you.
Through the last 8 years Simone's life (my wife of 27 years), with her in sleepless pain 23/7 and each of us experiencing intense feelings... then moving through the process of having to let her go as her life was slipping away... followed by the unrelenting grieving... all of that opened up a portal to pain stronger and deeper than anything I had ever experienced.
Simone and I had long ago made a commitment to fully live our awakening — to truly live our work so that we could be wholly in integrity with what we shared with others. It was the only way that truth and love at this level could be transmitted.
And that meant absolutely allowing and expressing whatever feelings, thoughts, and emotions arose. No denial. No avoidance. No distraction. Just open to and allowing the flow of it all. I wasn't seeing any movies, but when walking at the ocean with many people around there were many times I would just stand there, crying in pain. In doing so, freedom and peace were so present.
I am grateful to feel all of this. It honors the love and path Simone and I have shared so bonded as one. Sacred. It would have been tragic to have dimmed my light and muted my experience. Shutting down would have cut me off from feeling, feeling her and feeling me and feeling you, which is the last thing I would want to do.
As each of us allow ourselves to fully feel, to expand into and embrace What Is, we can live more vibrant and richer lives, discovering the uncharted territory of our own true nature and paths.
For me, time has passed and there is far greater lightness of being in my inner landscape. While I miss Simone so very much, when she is in my awareness there is more sweetness than pain. A welcome shift. Grace.
Thank you all for holding a space for me to share these deep feelings.